Monday, 31 July 2017
I've been away for almost two weeks now and it has been really difficult. I've never just stopped writing before. And in those two weeks, I haven't really been doing anything solely for me. But today I was advised not to set hard and fast rules for myself and I felt like writing today. So here I am. And I guess I'm here to be honest about what's in my head right now. I'm trying to be brave. I'm also trying to worry less about what people think. I found a J K Rowling quote that helped with this. Newt said that '[his] philosophy is that worrying means you suffer twice'. So I'm trying to worry less. I suppose that this is a post of change.
I want to say how negative I've felt just lately. I want to be all 'hey I'm not okay right now'. But that sounds really daft. So I guess I'll settle for the word 'unsettled'. Admittedly, there is a lot of change going on right now. Life is very unsettled and I've felt a little bit numb recently. I've felt a bit spaced out over the past few weeks and I'm not sure if that's because I'm not getting enough sleep or whether I can't sleep because I feel spaced out. I don't know, and I feel a lot of that. I feel a lot of I don't know. Does this make sense? But I left my blog for a little bit because nothing I was writing felt decent. In essence I had forgotten how to blog and what I even wanted to do online anymore. It felt floaty and full of really weak links and so have I. I just know that I have felt more than anxiety over the past couple of weeks. I have not felt okay. I've felt stuck, and as though I have been letting myself down. I also realised that I am too hard on myself. I'll make a mistake and literally reprimand myself for it almost instantly. It is pretty crazy.
Now it's been a really long time since I've felt like this. But I know that it is easy to settle into a pattern of thinking that you will never be happy again. Because I do this all the time. It is really easy to fall into a void and to feel consumed by it. I feel the sense of emptiness in my chest and some days it is damn hard to move from bed. It's really easy to feel like a failure if you don't manage to get up.
I feel pathetic writing about this and I hate that I feel like that. I am worried about sharing this post, and people I have to see in my day to day life reading this. I am worried that they will look at me differently and I fear judgement. I don't know why and I wish I didn't. But maybe that's because I look at me differently sometimes and I am too down on myself. I worry that I'm oversharing. I've said this before but not being okay is perfectly fine. Feeling numb, and submersed within said void, and feeling panicked is completely okay. It's also okay to feel nothing (or to cry). It's not perfect, or the most desirable situation. But sometimes it is there. Sometimes it's taking time out and waiting for it to pass. It's been a very long time since I've dealt with something above anxiety. Of course, there are good days and bad days. This week I have had a couple more good days than I have had bad.
I'm also learning that I am also far too trusting and naïve. I was told this by a good friend just yesterday; and that I let people walk all over me. This, it turns out, is true. So I am starting to realise that sometimes I am the problem. But sometimes I am not. This week I reached out for some help and advice. I was terrified. I panicked right before even going into the building. But I was shocked to find that it actually helped me to work through some stuff. So here I am trying to put myself first, and organise my life again. I have been putting myself second for too long.
I'm wondering right now why I let myself worry. It seems kinda daft to get as anxious as I do. And boy would my life be easier if I didn't worry as much, or have anxiety issues. Hell yes it would. However, unfortunately worrying is a part of life and it is a part of me. If I could turn off all of the feelings and thoughts that acted as a hindrance to me, things would undoubtedly be easier. But I think I like being sensitive. I don't like that I have the capacity to feel this much and yet feel so little. Yet it is there.
So in summary, it isn't okay for anyone to hurt you. I know that I need to stop giving people easy rides in and out of my life and stop letting myself be used. There are some people, and elements of life, that I need to leave behind.
Honestly it's really hard to focus when feeling like this (best way I can explain it is like being drunk? But without that little happy buzz when you're giggling constantly). That is why I went to seek advice. I honestly can't recommend reaching out enough. Sometimes reaching out can mean going to visit a doctor or sourcing counselling. Personally, I am not a fan. But I cannot encourage this enough. I am normally a fan of bottling things up and this is not good for you. Or me.
Anyway, I am trying to do things that make me happy and mean that I am at the forefront. Self love and self care is very difficult to practise and very easy to forget to do. But I have been doing my make up differently, and that's making me happy. I'm trying to get back into my reading and creative writing. And I've been running more (which is crippling my legs by the way). But I think that the point I am trying to make is that I am trying. And I genuinely think that's all anyone can ever ask of a person. Your best is good enough.
Long story short, once again I have not been okay (with good reason I think). But I will be okay and I am getting there. Things are not all bad and there are some very good people in my life. It's so so important to try and draw on positives. This brief experience has meant that I've learnt a lot about myself. It's also extremely good advice to try to surround yourself with good and positive people that do not drain you when feeling like this. People do not make you feel worse and will support you. I promise that your problems are never ever insignificant, so don't let anybody make you feel as though they are. You deserve to take up space in whatever way you chose.
I think if I was going to give anybody any advice right now it would be to believe in themselves. I cannot stress enough how important it is. One of my managers keeps telling me that if I go into things believing that I will fail, then I will fail. Self belief is a really powerful thing guys.
I know that it is shit advice, but it's even more important to remember that it is not your fault. That it will eventually pass and be okay again. And that you can do it. You got this and so do I :-) Please remember to be kind to yourself and to others!
I guess that my point is that I need to take my own advice. I'm good at giving it. But not taking it has got me in a little bit of a rut right now. Running is helping, as is reading. And I'm really excited about all the positive and independely chosen changes that are going to be coming my way.
I am getting there. I think. I've been sleeping, running and reading and have been looking after myself. I'm starting to feel a little bit lighter and happy. I'm doing better.
And with that, it is almost one in the afternoon and I've been brave enough for today. I need to get up and finish cleaning my house, make some lists, and maybe even go on a run. So I will bid you farewell. I hope that you all have wonderful weeks and are happy. I'll be pretty active this week with a creative piece and some fairyloot updates. I'm so glad to be back!
(I apologise for oversharing- if I am oversharing. Idk!)
Have a good day guys xx
Monday, 17 July 2017
Okay. This post is really hard for me. Like you have no idea. I'm not abandoning this blog permanently. But i am going to be taking a few weeks break. I'm hoping it's just a few weeks.
I'm still going to be writing behind the scenes. But not publishing anything for a while.
Why? There's a lot going on right now. I don't feel in a position to write positively about anything. And I'm sick of writing about how anxious or sad I am. So I'm taking some time out. Going to try practice some self love and get back to the great position I was in before.
I hope you guys have a great couple of weeks.
Friday, 14 July 2017
Hello and welcome to 'I am having a wobble today'. I've been doing really well for the past couple of weeks and I'm hoping that it is because I am tired that I seemed to have slipped.
Either way, I am sitting in the middle of my bed. I have some candles lit, and my fairy lights on. I am wearing my favourite t shirt and I am eating a bowl of tinned spaghetti. I am probably going to run a bath at some point before what I can feel is already going to be a late night. But right now I cannot be bothered to move. I am not freaking out, I just want to be still for a moment. So I guess that's a good thing.
I'm still looking for something new to read.
I hope you all have fantastically positively weeks.
See you soon.
Thursday, 13 July 2017
First of all I'd like to thank everyone who read my latest post about body confidence (whether I forced it on you or not!), who liked the link to it on Facebook or who messaged me about it or even spoke to me about it at work. Every one of those little things make me extremely happy and positive. So thank you to every single reader and I'm really glad that you guys liked it so much. It was really daunting talking about it at work for the first time. But sharing helps me. (Side note: Thank you to everyone who has checked on me with regard to how I've been feeling. I think I'm doing okay-ish now!)
I'm quite firm in my belief that you cannot possibly get any further if you are incapable of loving yourself even just a little bit. That doesn't mean loving what you look like, per say. Or loving everything about yourself. I just mean that sometimes respecting yourself comes in handy. And putting myself first and being kind to myself has improved my mood significantly over the past week.
In the spirit of self love I was thinking about cutting my hair (hell this post is as opposite of deep). And for once I did something kinda spontaneous! I had about an inch off but I love it. I feel fresh and fabulous (probably look less fab than I feel). And Chelsey dyed the new mop for me. So in line with my body confidence post, I currently like my hair (woohoo!) I can't tell you how good it feels to like something about myself. This doesn't occur very often so when it does I'm always pretty happy.
I've also been trying to read more, and it's really helped. I just finished How to Stop Time by Matt Haig. I don't even know where to begin with this book. Easily one of the best books I have read and will read in a while. Having Shakespeare, F. Scott and Zelda Fitzgerald as characters was genius and so entertaining! I was thinking about what I would perhaps stop time for. Maybe not stop it but slow it down for. Days off- without a doubt. Just for some extended moments of peace. I'd slow down my panic attacks. I think if they were slowed down, they'd be less than an anxiety attack. Dodie suggested just experiencing panic and that would be easier to observe if they were slowed down. I don't know. It's later.
So this evening I've had a candle lit bath and I'm going to get an early night in (yes, one in the morning is still early). But first I'm just going to let you guys know that I am working on what should be a very long project for this blog. I'm hoping that it's going to be helping me in the process but it's going to be very honest and mental health related (of course. please don't roll your eyes guys). But I have some fairy loot posts to catch up on. So my hours have gone up at work but I will be much more active here from now on (YAY!). My tablet is living in my bag right now so this will help.
I also know that I'm behind on a Fairy Loot unboxing for last month; I'll just merge the two when this months box comes!
I hope you all have tip top weeks and I will return very shortly.
Saturday, 1 July 2017
I know that a large number of people start every new year with the declaration that 'this will be my year!' and I can't help but wonder how many people have found this year to be a good one thus far. 2017 has seen a lot of political shit, for starters. That discourages me from saying anything positive about the year before we even touch on my personal life. But here goes nothing.
This year has seen me progress toward being a manager at work. Seen the birth of a new baby sister; Harper (congratulations to my dad and his girlfriend). This year has seen many arguments, and more panic attacks than I've ever experienced in my life. I'm learning how to move on, and how to get rid of the toxic people that seem to fill my life at the moment. I'm learning to let go, and it's one of the most important things I've ever learnt (side note one of my friends sent me this video earlier and my god, it is so so helpful). I'm letting go of grudges, and the little things that get to me day to day. Boy it is difficult.
Okay. So I think this may be a long one and I apologise in advance. I watched this video too and I loved the concept of being able to turn insecurities and self perceived flaws into positives. Why have I only just discovered this youtube channel?! Thank you Lauren.
I hate my nose. I have done for many years. My little sister has got the same nose, I think. And I just hope that she grows into it. I feel as though my nose takes up ninety percent of my face. It is too big and urgh. Okay, now to turn this into something positive (HOW DO I DO THIS). No. Okay. This nose is my dads nose. It means that I have a feature of one of my parents and I think that's a pretty damn good thing. It's like an identifier, I guess, so that's cool.
Okay. What else do I hate? My lack of boobs (I apologise for this one but anyone who spends any amount of time with me knows I make jokes about this pretty regularly but I do not appreciate other people making jokes about this). My sister does not suffer from the same misfortune! (SHE IS THREE YEARS YOUNGER THAN ME!) But yeah. I'll not go into much more detailing about this as I am uncomfortable with certain people reading about this. Okay, here I go attempting to turn it into a positive. I guess I get to buy pretty underwear and I'm pretty tiny with regard to my entire form so I am proportionate. Small boobs aren't really a terrible thing, I suppose.
I hate the bags under my eyes the most of all just lately. But I guess the best way to turn them into a positive is to think of them as a sign of hard work. I didn't sleep much in my second year of university because I was working, and doing uni work at the same time. It was exhausting but really rewarding. So with passing my second year, I'm gonna consider those bags a small price to pay!
So what do I actually like about my body? I've learnt to like my legs (except knees. But knees are weird in general), over anything else. And maybe my waist line. I'm just going to point out that I feel uncomfortable saying I like something about my body. I feel as though it makes me vain if I admit that I like something. But loving my body, even in parts rather than the sum total, is a relatively new concept. I was happy starving myself and carving marks into various limbs for the most part of my teens. And if you'd have asked me a couple of years ago, I'd have said I hated those scars more than anything. Truth is, you can barely see them now. But it wouldn't bother me either way. Thinking about it, I think I appreciate my body more now. I don't deliberately mistreat it anymore so perhaps I am going up in the world with regard to self love.
I wonder if I have been conditioned to feel as though I should put myself down? I don't know. But I am used to rejecting compliments, like it comes second nature to me now. I'm not being modest. I genuinely don't believe said compliments. Some guy told me I had a nice smile last week and I laughed in his face. I feel for Chelsey who has to deal with my panic about what to wear every day and how to wear my make up. I have nothing but praise for her and Lauren, who constantly build my confidence. I really appreciate and admire women that tell other girls they are pretty (I'm not fishing for compliments, I just think this is a lovely idea. Everybody needs support).
Lauren suggested compiling a list of things that help me with my insecurities. This was really hard in general to think about. Do I combat my insecurities at all or am I simply just accepting of them? I don't know. I know a good skin care routine helps me feel a bit better, and physical exercise.
I think it will take me a very long time to love my body completely. I take very few selfies that without filters. I'll load up snapchat and look at my face, and think 'hmm. 4 or 5 out of ten. Not bad. Maybe this will be a decent selfie'. But then I'll load up a filter and my face will get thinner, and any spots will fade away and I'll feel as though my actual face has suddenly lost all of its credibility. When in actual fact my face is not fat, and the filter has not slimmed it down all that much. The only difference is that I have a flower crown on my head. Maybe the lighting is a little better with a snapchat flower crown. So why am I so favourable toward filtered selfies in comparison to those that are unfiltered? Who knows but this worries me, a lot.
The truth is, I don't think I am stunningly good looking but I've realised that I am okay with how I look. Have I accepted my insecurity? Is this defeating the object of me promoting self love? Am I simply accepting what I think is my lesser standard of looks? Probably. But I think it's a lot to ask to expect somebody to be okay with themselves entirely when a) they have anxiety and b) they are surrounding by many societal expectations, comparisons and prejudices. The world is a very negative place when you are trying to develop body confidence. I don't want to sit here and make out like its easy to feel good about yourself because it really isn't. But I feel like we should feel good about ourselves and its awful that there is no room to do this.
Oh! I just remembered that I recently saw on Twitter that ASOS hadn't edited out a models stretch marks! How great is that! Seriously though, the world needs more of that. I want to look at clothes online and not feel like 'oh man I am not going to look that good in that shirt' or 'my ass won't look as good in those jeans'. You go ASOS.
I guess the point of this post is to say that there will probably never be a time when I am completely happy and in love with my entire body. But right now I am content and okay. In all honesty I've spent the day in bed, I am still in my pyjamas and I don't have that much make up on. But in the spirit of being body positive I thought I'd take a picture and use the only one I took for this post. It has no filter on it at all. So here is a picture of me, standing in front of my book case. The picture quality is awful and my skin looks shite. But it was the first one I took, and I am accepting it. I look happy so I guess I'm good.
I leave you with a some final words of wisdom that I first heard whilst watching The Princess Diaries when I was younger (so here, have a gif!). But the original source was actually Eleanor Roosevelt. It's a multipurpose quote and I think it applies to appearance, personality and intelligence. Everything. The message is so important. You are in control.
I hope that you all have a happy and confident week and I will return very very soon with a June Fairy Loot unboxing.