Well, we haven’t been very well acquainted for very long, and for years I swore we never would be. I was intent on avoiding a relationship with you. I’d observed your connection with family members for years, and I had watched a marriage break down because you weren’t around anymore. That dependency terrified me. I swore I would always keep you at a distance. But in time I have been persuaded and here we are. I don’t know if I could consider us friends, quite yet, but it seemed fitting that I write to you anyway. In this stage of my life, I need your support. The first few weeks were rocky, I will admit. And I almost gave up on you. I am almost glad that I didn’t, upon reflection. But I worry you will give up on me, before I am better equipped to deal with the cracks that seem to have appeared in my head.
My thoughts race quite a bit too. Sometimes it feels as though my skin is crawling, or is thrumming. Concentration is also hard to come by. And despite being tired, sometimes sleep evades me. Sometimes you are not enough to get me out of bed. Sometimes everything else is a bit too much. Sometimes it is simply enough for you to keep my head quiet whilst I lie there, and think. It is enough for you to be there, and for me to know that I have tried that day.
My dear A.D, you are somewhat of a comfort blanket now. I have tried going without once or twice. I am not ready to get through the day without you. And I’m only just now beginning to accept that as being okay. I’m realising that you are not an instant fix, and you cannot fix all the things that are wrong. You cannot fight off all the demons- only I can do that. But you can buy me some space, and some time. I’m learning that self-love, and self-care can buy me even more head space, and more time. This includes talking to people and being honest when I am struggling. And I am trying.