Monday, 17 July 2017

Not goodbye...

Okay. This post is really hard for me. Like you have no idea. I'm not abandoning this blog permanently. But i am going to be taking a few weeks break. I'm hoping it's just a few weeks.

I'm still going to be writing behind the scenes. But not publishing anything for a while.

Why? There's a lot going on right now. I don't feel in a position to write positively about anything. And I'm sick of writing about how anxious or sad I am. So I'm taking some time out. Going to try practice some self love and get back to the great position I was in before.

I hope you guys have a great couple of weeks.


Friday, 14 July 2017

I am eating spaghetti

Well this might be the worst strangest title for a blog post, in the history of blogging ever. This is only going to be a short one, I think.

Hello and welcome to 'I am having a wobble today'. I've been doing really well for the past couple of weeks and I'm hoping that it is because I am tired that I seemed to have slipped.

Either way, I am sitting in the middle of my bed. I have some candles lit, and my fairy lights on. I am wearing my favourite t shirt and I am eating a bowl of tinned spaghetti. I am probably going to run a bath at some point before what I can feel is already going to be a late night. But right now I cannot be bothered to move. I am not freaking out, I just want to be still for a moment.  So I guess that's a good thing.

I'm still looking for something new to read.

I hope you all have fantastically positively weeks.

See you soon.

Thursday, 13 July 2017

In the spirit of self love...

Okay. Hello and welcome to another recap because I'm crap at keeping my blog up to date! I've not slept much again. I went to bed at five this morning and I was very very happy. Now, I have wasted my day in bed mostly. I have very little in the way of regrets. Right now, I am lying upside down on my bed and I am watching some Dodie videos. I am settled and content enough for tonight. I even have some candles flickering. A romantic evening for once- can I get any more pathetic? No, on a serious night it's been a pretty good and relaxing evening.

First of all I'd like to thank everyone who read my latest post about body confidence (whether I forced it on you or not!), who liked the link to it on Facebook or who messaged me about it or even spoke to me about it at work. Every one of those little things make me extremely happy and positive. So thank you to every single reader and I'm really glad that you guys liked it so much. It was really daunting talking about it at work for the first time. But sharing helps me. (Side note: Thank you to everyone who has checked on me with regard to how I've been feeling. I think I'm doing okay-ish now!)

I'm quite firm in my belief that you cannot possibly get any further if you are incapable of loving yourself even just a little bit. That doesn't mean loving what you look like, per say. Or loving everything about yourself. I just mean that sometimes respecting yourself comes in handy. And putting myself first and being kind to myself has improved my mood significantly over the past week.

In the spirit of self love I was thinking about cutting my hair (hell this post is as opposite of deep). And for once I did something kinda spontaneous! I had about an inch off but I love it. I feel fresh and fabulous (probably look less fab than I feel). And Chelsey dyed the new mop for me. So in line with my body confidence post, I currently like my hair (woohoo!) I can't tell you how good it feels to like something about myself. This doesn't occur very often so when it does I'm always pretty happy.

I've also been trying to read more, and it's really helped. I just finished How to Stop Time by Matt Haig. I don't even know where to begin with this book. Easily one of the best books I have read and will read in a while. Having Shakespeare, F. Scott and Zelda Fitzgerald as characters was genius and so entertaining! I was thinking about what I would perhaps stop time for. Maybe not stop it but slow it down for. Days off- without a doubt. Just for some extended moments of peace. I'd slow down my panic attacks. I think if they were slowed down, they'd be less than an anxiety attack. Dodie suggested just experiencing panic and that would be easier to observe if they were slowed down. I don't know. It's later.

So this evening I've had a candle lit bath and I'm going to get an early night in (yes, one in the morning is still early). But first I'm just going to let you guys know that I am working on what should be a very long project for this blog. I'm hoping that it's going to be helping me in the process but it's going to be very honest and mental health related (of course. please don't roll your eyes guys). But I have some fairy loot posts to catch up on. So my hours have gone up at work but I will be much more active here from now on (YAY!). My tablet is living in my bag right now so this will help.

I also know that I'm behind on a Fairy Loot unboxing for last month; I'll just merge the two when this months box comes!

I hope you all have tip top weeks and I will return very shortly.

Good night!

Saturday, 1 July 2017

Body confidence and life lessons.

Okay so it is no secret that I have been incredibly down and anxious for the past few weeks. Maybe even a couple of months, I don't know. Because of that I've not been nearly as active here as I wanted to be this year. For that I can only apologise. But I'm here now and I wanted to write something really positive. So here I am with a mid year recap turned body confidence/self love rambling post thing. (Edit: I'm feeling much better now).

I know that a large number of people start every new year with the declaration that 'this will be my year!' and I can't help but wonder how many people have found this year to be a good one thus far. 2017 has seen a lot of political shit, for starters. That discourages me from saying anything positive about the year before we even touch on my personal life. But here goes nothing.

This year has seen me progress toward being a manager at work. Seen the birth of a new baby sister; Harper (congratulations to my dad and his girlfriend). This year has seen many arguments, and more panic attacks than I've ever experienced in my life. I'm learning how to move on, and how to get rid of the toxic people that seem to fill my life at the moment. I'm learning to let go, and it's one of the most important things I've ever learnt (side note one of my friends sent me this video earlier and my god, it is so so helpful). I'm letting go of grudges, and the little things that get to me day to day. Boy it is difficult.

Okay. So I think this may be a long one and I apologise in advance. I watched this video too and I loved the concept of being able to turn insecurities and self perceived flaws into positives. Why have I only just discovered this youtube channel?! Thank you Lauren.

I hate my nose. I have done for many years. My little sister has got the same nose, I think. And I just hope that she grows into it. I feel as though my nose takes up ninety percent of my face. It is too big and urgh. Okay, now to turn this into something positive (HOW DO I DO THIS). No. Okay. This nose is my dads nose. It means that I have a feature of one of my parents and I think that's a pretty damn good thing. It's like an identifier, I guess, so that's cool.

Okay. What else do I hate? My lack of boobs (I apologise for this one but anyone who spends any amount of time with me knows I make jokes about this pretty regularly but I do not appreciate other people making jokes about this). My sister does not suffer from the same misfortune! (SHE IS THREE YEARS YOUNGER THAN ME!) But yeah. I'll not go into much more detailing about this as I am uncomfortable with certain people reading about this. Okay, here I go attempting to turn  it into a positive. I guess I get to buy pretty underwear and I'm pretty tiny with regard to my entire form so I am proportionate. Small boobs aren't really a terrible thing, I suppose.

I hate the bags under my eyes the most of all just lately. But I guess the best way to turn them into a positive is to think of them as a sign of hard work. I didn't sleep much in my second year of university because I was working, and doing uni work at the same time. It was exhausting but really rewarding. So with passing my second year, I'm gonna consider those bags a small price to pay!

So what do I actually like about my body? I've learnt to like my legs (except knees. But knees are weird in general), over anything else. And maybe my waist line. I'm just going to point out that I feel uncomfortable saying I like something about my body. I feel as though it makes me vain if I admit that I like something. But loving my body, even in parts rather than the sum total, is a relatively new concept. I was happy starving myself and carving marks into various limbs for the most part of my teens. And if you'd have asked me a couple of years ago, I'd have said I hated those scars more than anything. Truth is, you can barely see them now. But it wouldn't bother me either way. Thinking about it, I think I appreciate my body more now. I don't deliberately mistreat it anymore so perhaps I am going up in the world with regard to self love.

I wonder if I have been conditioned to feel as though I should put myself down? I don't know. But I am used to rejecting compliments, like it comes second nature to me now. I'm not being modest. I genuinely don't believe said compliments. Some guy told me I had a nice smile last week and I laughed in his face. I feel for Chelsey who has to deal with my panic about what to wear every day and how to wear my make up. I have nothing but praise for her and Lauren, who constantly build my confidence. I really appreciate and admire women that tell other girls they are pretty (I'm not fishing for compliments, I just think this is a lovely idea. Everybody needs support).

Lauren suggested compiling a list of things that help me with my insecurities. This was really hard in general to think about. Do I combat my insecurities at all or am I simply just accepting of them? I don't know. I know a good skin care routine helps me feel a bit better, and physical exercise.

I think it will take me a very long time to love my body completely. I take very few selfies that without filters. I'll load up snapchat and look at my face, and think 'hmm. 4 or 5 out of ten. Not bad. Maybe this will be a decent selfie'. But then I'll load up a filter and my face will get thinner, and any spots will fade away and I'll feel as though my actual face has suddenly lost all of its credibility. When in actual fact my face is not fat, and the filter has not slimmed it down all that much. The only difference is that I have a flower crown on my head. Maybe the lighting is a little better with a snapchat flower crown. So why am I so favourable toward filtered selfies in comparison to those that are unfiltered? Who knows but this worries me, a lot.

The truth is, I don't think I am stunningly good looking but I've realised that I am okay with how I look. Have I accepted my insecurity? Is this defeating the object of me promoting self love? Am I simply accepting what I think is my lesser standard of looks? Probably. But I think it's a lot to ask to expect somebody to be okay with themselves entirely when a) they have anxiety and b) they are surrounding by many societal expectations, comparisons and prejudices. The world is a very negative place when you are trying to develop body confidence. I don't want to sit here and make out like its easy to feel good about yourself because it really isn't. But I feel like we should feel good about ourselves and its awful that there is no room to do this.

Oh! I just remembered that I recently saw on Twitter that ASOS hadn't edited out a models stretch marks! How great is that! Seriously though, the world needs more of that. I want to look at clothes online and not feel like 'oh man I am not going to look that good in that shirt' or 'my ass won't look as good in those jeans'. You go ASOS.

I guess the point of this post is to say that there will probably never be a time when I am completely happy and in love with my entire body. But right now I am content and okay. In all honesty I've spent the day in bed, I am still in my pyjamas and I don't have that much make up on. But in the spirit of being body positive I thought I'd take a picture and use the only one I took for this post. It has no filter on it at all. So here is a picture of me, standing in front of my book case. The picture quality is awful and my skin looks shite. But it was the first one I took, and I am accepting it. I look happy so I guess I'm good.

I leave you with a some final words of wisdom that I first heard whilst watching The Princess Diaries when I was younger (so here, have a gif!). But the original source was actually Eleanor Roosevelt. It's a multipurpose quote and I think it applies to appearance, personality and intelligence. Everything. The message is so important. You are in control.

I hope that you all have a happy and confident week and I will return very very soon with a June Fairy Loot unboxing.

Thursday, 29 June 2017

“You're a wizard, Harry.”

So there are a million and one things that I want to write about right now. But at the risk of over complicating my life even further with some pointless wonderings, I decided to go with a Harry Potter related post. So a couple of days ago it was twenty years to the day since the first Harry Potter book was published. Which means, yes, Harry Potter came into the world shortly after I was born. I am as old as the Harry Potter books. That feels pretty damn good.

Okay, I'm going to start by sharing my house. I am very proud to be a part of Ravenclaw! Sharing a house with Luna Lovegood would have been brilliant! I wish I had the bravery and courage of a Gryffindor but Luna is proof that yu can be both brave and courageous without being in Gryffindor.

I know it's unusual but I actually only finished these books earlier on this year at nineteen. I read plenty as a child but went straight from Roald Dahl to Meg Cabot, then onto Kim Harrison's Dead Witch Walking Series when I was about thirteen. I just seemed to have skipped over Harry Potter. I'm pretty glad about it now.  I appreciated them more than I perhaps would have a few years before,and I took my time working through them. There's so much that can be learnt from Rowling's brilliant series. I think if I am ever to have children, I would rather withhold this series from them until they are mature enough to appreciate it.

So what's my point with this post? To bring you a list of my favourite things about Harry Potter, of course! Here goes nothing;

1. Hermoine. She is one of my favourite literary characters ever. I adored Hermoine from the word go. For her intelligence and its coexistence with bravery most of all. I loved her because of her curly hair, for her compassion for the Elves. She is the perfect example of a girl with good intentions growing up in a really shitty world. She is conflicted, and passionate and a relatable character for any number of ages. And who doesn't love this particular line:

'It's Wing-gar-dium Levi-o-sa, make the 'gar' nice and long'.

2. Umbridge. Now if I were you I'd be reading this and feeling outraged. How can anybody like her?! I included her in this list because I think she is hilarious. She brings a whole new dynamic to the 'crazy cat lady' and a new dimension to the concept of a villain. She's a mature woman, who wears pink consistently and loves cats. Typically, she is the furthest thing from what one would expect from a villain. Yet she's one of the most sinister, terrifying, characters that I have ever come across. I love that we had some female villains. She and Bellatrix are pretty sinister and it's extremely interesting. Is it acceptable that there are equal oppurtunities even in villainy? (Does she remind anybody else of Theresa May?)

3. The possibility of defying the odds. These three characters have just about everything thrown at them. Their families are threatened and occasionally killed, they are left wondering the world alone and resourceless in search of means of destroying He Who Shall Not Be Named. Even when they are captured, they still manage an escape. Hope never loses its value in the Wizarding World. With this presence of hope, comes the unexpected nature of the universe. I'm sure a better reader than I could probably have predicted what happened in some of these books. But for me, the element of surprise was always present.

4. Snape. Professor Snape is one of my favourite characters. He's got one of the best character developments in this series I think. From my favourite villain to my favourite hero. And I'd be lying if I said I didn't feel a little bit of a strange attraction to Professor Snape (I'm sorry!). I think in the end I liked Snape much more than I liked Dumbledore.

5. Quidditch.  Do I even need to explain this? Wizards and Witches have their own sport, involving broomsticks and flying! It's awesome!

6. The political aspects to the series. There are so many political elements to the Wizarding World. I think the books would be really helpful to younger readers as an introduction to the Political World. The concept that torture is wrong. Dumbledore's Army. And do I even need to comment on the parallels between Miss Rita Skeeter and a certain red headed journalist in the real world? I think not! Rowling remains clever, entertaining and amusing with the introduction of politics though. But it isn't difficult for younger readers to acknowledge right from wrong.

7. A happy ending. I'm a sap, okay? I like a good happy ending. Harry and Ginny are a beautiful couple!

8. 'You're a wizard, Harry' and a squashed birthday cake. Simply Genius!

These are just some of my favourite elements to the Wizarding World. I absolutely adore this series and I cannot wait to start rereading them at some point; they are a series that I will always return to. I hope to someday make it to the studios in London. I hope you're all having wonderfully magical weeks and I will return soon.

Night night!

Saturday, 24 June 2017

With a bang, instead of a whimper?

Currently I am knee deep in the summer break from university. I'm pretty sure that I'm meant to be planning dissertation ideas and a future and I'll be honest, the whole thing is freaking me out. It has suddenly hit me that in a years time I will be finishing university. My degree will be over. Three years ago, I'm pretty sure it felt like it would drag on forever. And just as suddenly, I am faced with the abyss. A sickenly large void that is otherwise known as the future.

It terrfies me. Life right now is full of endings, and of new beginnings. And lots and lots of change. I'm wondering about what the end of my degree even means. Am I meant to finally start getting my shit together? But then, what does that mean?

But finishing my degree is the end of such a big chapter and I am worried about leaving it behind. I'm going to miss seeing friends every day and even announcing my panic in the safety of the lecturer's office. All of it.

Am I meant to start looking for a graduate job? I don't even know if I'm ready to do my masters or why I'm thinking this far ahead? I'm worried about being out of education; will my brain turn to mush?

Am I the only one who is worried about all of this?

I don't know. I'm hoping that all of these recent changes will bring about happiness and peace (probably a very unrealistic and stupid thing to hope for but here we are).

I hope you all have wonderful and stress free weeks

Friday, 16 June 2017

'Mierce's Marks'

So last night I decided to go along to a poetry event and it was pretty great. Mierce's Marks was organised by R. M. Francis, who is a PHD student at my university and prominent in the local poetry community, and Sam Roden. Sam is a graduate of The University of Wolverhampton and also my high school English Teacher. Together they gathered four other poets for this event and their choices were amazing.

I've seen both R. M. Francis and Willis The Poet perform before and they're both incredible entertaining and talented. Willis is hilariously funny and witty. However, the rest of the line up was entirely new to me. There were poems about parenthood, death, loss, love, heartache, the past, and the West Midlands. They were all so beautifully different. I laughed and smiled but sat in awe. I envy those able to perform their work. Especially so confidently! Maybe one day, eh?

I bought Sam Roden's chapbook, Catch Ourselves in Glass, at the end of the event and it is beautiful and witty. With regard to favourites, I'm currently torn between Shove Your Tissues and Zero.

I cannot wait to go along to another poetry event. They're always inspiring, and I cannot help but wish more people attended.

Have a good evening folks.