Thursday, 2 November 2017

Starting small, a note to self.

Okay. Hello and welcome once more, to yet another rough patch. Or as I like to call it, I feel like a depressed mess 101. Things aren't good right now. Well. That's a big statement. It hasn't been a good couple of days and I hoping it will be good again from now. I'm trying really hard to just accept the fact that I am sad, and this will happen. There is nothing wrong with me, and this does not make me strange or a mess or fucked up or all of the rest of the bad things I keep labelling myself with. I am just having a bad patch. And this is okay (maybe).

There are a lot of things I need to deal with right now, and there are a lot of things that are catching up with me. Some I am willing to do here, and admit here, and some I am not yet ready to talk about. But will probably do at a later date. This isn't me taking another break from blogging, but instead I am here to admit that there is a problem for me right now. More so for myself than anything else. And instead, I'm going to use this space to write about other things, rather than the state of my head. Like reading and university!

I am depressed.

I hate that word but that's what I am, right now. Reading that back, I'm thinking, wow. And I have already written myself off as pathetic or over dramatic. Hell, maybe I'm oversharing. But I'm taking this confession as a good sign and I am writing this because I am going to be okay again. I don't know when, but that's okay too. I have to stop putting so much pressure on myself and being ashamed of my feelings and thoughts. I'm taking this evening to attempt to be kind to myself, and do the things that I enjoy. I realised this week that I am really awful to myself. So far I have eaten properly, napped, baked cakes and I am running a bath. I've been making lists, working through some stuff, and cleaning up. I could not have done any of these things yesterday. I am smiling again. This is me starting small.

For the past couple of days I have been staring into space and lying in the same place in my bed. I have had a big, long headache, I have cried a lot. I have been numb, and yet in severe pain. I have not been myself and it has felt like I have been underwater. It's been shit and I hate this feeling.

Have I even been awake for the past few days? Who knows!

But I miss happy me. However, I have to remember that she is coming back. She's still there. This is not me, I am not naturally unhappy. And it is not my fault. These feelings are going to go away and I am going to be okay.

Other smaller things that I need to remember: asking for help is good. Not everyone is going to leave. I have some very kind and good people around me. I am lucky and very thankful.

I also need to stop saying sorry. I hadn't realised how damaging it was to constantly convince myself that I am a burden, that I am in the way, and that I always have something to be sorry for. It does not help me or the people around me.

Okay. This has helped! I will be back to discuss something more literature based before the end of the week, hopefully.

I hope you're all having good weeks. But if not, stay strong. You've got this.

Night night guys.


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