Monday, 4 September 2017

Small Victories (and a killer headache!)

Okay. I am back. I know that I said I would be pretty active after my last post. And honestly I did have every intention of practically living here. But I've been trying to keep my house clean, and I've been working six days a week since I last posted. It has been tough and tiring. I think I'm okay. Just very tired. I have my managers course next week and I am both excited and nervous.

But for now, I am curled up on the sofa under a fluffy blanket. I am having trouble sleeping again. I guess I should include a recap after my last post confessing my continued period of extreme sadness. There are good days and bad days for everyone, I suppose. There are some days that I can feel everything very separately and I can distinguish happy from sad. These are the good days. The bad days are the opposite. But this week is a good week. I’ve hung out with Chels, watched some films and tomorrow is my day off. I am finding that if I don’t think about how I’m feeling too much, then it is easier. I know that I will dip in and out of sad and anxious spells for a while, but I also know that it will always pass.

It's now midnight. Midnight used to be a lonely time, but it's nice having an empty house and watching television till whatever time I like in the morning. I am numbing my brain this evening with Sex and the City. It's an odd film.  Time passes incredibly quickly in this film and in all honesty, it's trash. But I can see why it might be comforting sometimes. Okay, moving on!

I've been following a bit of advice over the past month and not setting hard and fast rules for myself. I have got to say, it's easier. I've been putting less pressure on myself and that has helped so much. But I have taken some time out and my feelings have settled to the steady level that I am used to. Perhaps not always happy, but I am not currently occupying a void. I feel as though I can feel things right now, and okay sometimes I would like not to. But the alternative is kind of a weird numbness in which I feel everything at once. (Crazy, right?!) I would like to avoid that state of being that resembles a constant headache, thank you. But anyway, I think the most important thing is to remember to give yourself credit for even the little things. It's important to remember to reward to small victories. I went shopping this week and treated myself to some new clothes, underwear and other things. Why? Because I felt like it. It felt good to not question whether or not I deserved it.

So I guess that's what I am here to do today, discuss small victories a little bit.  Okay. What I really want to write about was some of the things that I liked about this month. I feel pretty good right now (with the exception of this killer headache. Seriously- ouch!). So lets make the most of that whilst it lasts.

Okay, here goes nothing:

In the month since my last post I have been running a couple of times. Running always helps and I would recommend physical exercise to anyone who is struggling with mental health or feeling negative. I've stopped running the same route too and have been wandering around the surrounding forest. The other day I went early, and sat on a hill half way through. Getting out of the house is good for a person. The other day, I ran in the rain. And I took my hood off. I ended up with a little bit of a cold afterwards and it looked like something out of a silly romantic movie. A tad pathetic. But I like the rain a lot and I've never ran through it before.

(why is this headache spreading down my face. help)

I finished a book! Reading has been really slow for me this year, despite buying and downloading books really regularly. But finishing a book was a small victory and it made me happy. I'm probably not going to hit my reading goal for this year, even though it's only September. But I'm gonna cut myself some slack- it has been a long year! I still have a bunch of University books to buy (and start my dissertation planning).

Okay, I am really uncomfortable with saying this. And I hate that I feel bad for saying it. But one of the things I am happy about this month is my waist line. I can't work out if I've lost weight or put it on. But I am okay with my figure right now and just 'okay' will do for me. Oh and I also dyed my hair myself for the first time. I am kind of proud of that. I feel pretty happy with myself. Which is strange. And I think I will always have the unhealthy habit of putting myself down, I think. I'm used to it. I don't know that either and I hate that this has become a pattern for me. But I'm working on it. I am not as down on myself right now as I usually am. In the spirit of self love, here is a dodgy picture of me that I actually quite like.

The point I've been trying to make is that I've been trying, and I'm not sure why I needed to write that. However, it felt good to acknowledge myself a little bit. There are still loads of things I need to work on- the whole not letting people walk all over me being pretty high on the list, still. But trying will always be enough. I wish somebody had told me this even six weeks ago. I'm never going to be prepared for the next little blast of those feelings. And of course I still get day to day anxiety. God knows when that will go away. But I am tyring to be kinder to myself, to be brave and force myself out of bed, and to smile.

But here goes nothing; the point of this strange post that is full of rambling is to say that I feel a little bit okay again. I feel awake, rather than sluggish and drunk-ish. Or I am starting to. And this feels good.

I've learnt also and realised a lot of things in the past month, and I have been writing lots in the drafts section. And my next post might be on loving people and things, and letting go. But I think the most important thing I've realised is that nothing is more important than myself. Not even the love of somebody else. I think it’s really hard to put yourself first, but I’m giving it a go! I wish more people, including myself, appreciated themselves more. Especially when feeling as utterly shit as I did a few weeks ago. Why don't we acknowledge getting dressed? Or going through the day without panicking? Eating three meals in a day? Or even just getting out of bed? Why are these not as big as achievements as running marathons or getting good grades, etc? Amidst the rambling, what I'm really trying to say is to remember to be kind to yourself. It helps, more than you'd think.

I'm going to leave you with this lovely tweet I saw the other day from Matt Haig. I really love his twitter. Right now, I kinda feel like an organised mess. But reading this, I was thinking about why I sometimes feel like a mess. Because I am anxious. Because I am stressed or tired. Because there is something on my mind. But these things are always going to be there. I am coming to the conclusion that perhaps I am too hard on myself. I am not saying you should praise yourself all the time, and be happy constantly. That is pretty impossible. However, I am saying that sometimes it is okay to be a mess and to recognise that there is something wrong. Reflection is a good thing. And so is mess.

I hope that you are all okay, and if you're not I hope that you know you will be soon.
I really am going to be around a lot over the next few days- I have so much to say!

Have a great day guys.


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